Letitia Unbound Read online

  Letitia Unbound

  Trevor Veale

  Published by Trevor Veale at Smashwords

  Copyright 2012 Trevor Veale

  Thank you for downloading this free ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends.This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided it stays in its complete original form. If you enjoyed this book, please return to Smashwords.com to find other works by this author. Thank you for your support.

  Cover design by Rita Toews

  Cover art by kind permission of James & Co

  Copyright granted from the Donald McGill Archive

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1 The Queen Rises

  Chapter 2 The Reception

  Chapter 3 The Servants’ Discussion

  Chapter 4 A Nightmare Scenario

  Chapter 5 Catheter’s Formative Fumblings

  Chapter 6 Hunting The Snaggle-Tooth

  Chapter 7 The Queen Reminisces

  Chapter 8 Dawna’s Awful Dilemma

  Chapter 9 The Unlucky Lovers

  Chapter 10 The Wedding

  Chapter 11 The Exposure

  Chapter 12 The Retirement Rumor

  Chapter 13 Sharon’s Life

  Chapter 14 An Inauspicious Honeymoon

  Chapter 15 Sharon’s Shameful Secret

  Chapter 16 Letitia Finds Refuge

  Chapter 17 Managing Marital Miseries

  Chapter 18 The Prince And The Politicians

  Chapter 19 Dawna Defuses A Riot

  Chapter 20 Letitia Left in The Lurch

  Chapter 21 A Wizard And A Painful Prophecy

  Chapter 22 Simpkins’s Other Life

  Chapter 23 The Old Queen’s Send-Off

  Chapter 24 The Plot

  Chapter 25 Dawna’s new Affair

  Chapter 26 TheFerociousWinter

  Chapter 27 Sharon’s Affair Revisited

  Chapter 28 Dawna Takes Center Stage

  Chapter 29 The Plot Thickens

  Chapter 30 The Insurrection

  Chapter 31 The King’s Humiliation

  Chapter 32 The Incarceration

  Chapter 33 Sharon’s Big Day Out

  Chapter 34 The Royal Helpers

  Chapter 35 The Humiliation Continues

  Chapter 36 The Plot Deepens

  Chapter 37 Sharon’s Weakness

  Chapter 38 Arabella Gets Her Scoop

  Chapter 39 The Plan Firms Up

  Chapter 40 Institutional Life

  Chapter 41 Escape IntoThe Night

  Chapter 42 A Slobodian Welcome

  Chapter 43 Ferdy’s Mansion

  Chapter 44 The Slovos At Home

  Chapter 45 A Touch Of Evil

  Chapter 46 Basking In Bulimia

  Chapter 47 Godfrey For President

  Chapter 48 Sharon Gets A Proposal

  Chapter 49 A Firm Decision

  Chapter 50 Return To Melloria

  Chapter 51 Slamil Seeks Relief

  Chapter 52 The Campaigners Return

  Chapter 53 The Dawna Factor

  Chapter 54 The People’s Party Shows Its Hand

  Chapter 55 The First Election

  Chapter 56 The Die Is Cast

  Chapter 57 The Shot Heard Round The World

  Chapter 58 The Aftermath

  Chapter 59 Fighting The Fundamentalists

  Chapter 60 Lucinda Gains Acceptance

  Chapter 61 A Mortal blow To The President

  Chapter 62 Another Servants’ Discussion

  Chapter 63 Catheter Hits Back

  Chapter 64 The Disinheritance

  Chapter 65 The Boy King

  Chapter 66 The Departure

  Chapter 67 Island Life

  Chapter 68 Morning Glory

  Chapter 69 The Crowning

  Every man is a king, every woman is a queen.

  Trevor Veale

  Then where are all my subjects?

  Queen Letitia

  Chapter 1

  The Queen Rises

  “Not another bloody banquet!”

  Lifting her hairnetted head from the dimpled pillow, Queen Letitia angled her dismay at the luckless countess. Mary Sedeekly, Countess D’Armoire, first lady of the Queen’s Bedchamber, deflected her gaze to the lurid tapestry of beagles worrying a great elk in the Forest of Gorm that adorned one entire wall of the bedchamber. She searched her mind for an appropriate response, deferential yet robust.

  “With respect, ma’am, the engagement of His Highness the Heir Apparent to the Crown Princess of Bulimia is undoubtedly the highpoint of the season, and therefore –“

  “A banquet it will have to be!” The queen gave a resigned sigh. “All this fuss! Thank God it’ll be the last time for Cathy.” She blinked scornfully and tears sprang to her eyes. “This is all going to end in tears, I just know it. Look, mine are starting already!”

  The countess, who had spread her hands while speaking, now folded them over her abdomen and stared at her fingers.

  “Oh well, tradition is tradition – there’s no arguing with that,” the queen sighed. “Dammit, I’m putting on so much weight from these blowouts! We had two last week!”

  “Did you sleep well last night, ma’am?” the countess asked, in a feeble attempt to divert the drizzle of dismay.

  The queen looked at her sharply.

  “I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since Cathy trotted back from Bulimia with a doomed look on his face and a betrothal bond in his briefcase. I’ve been having nightmares about the whole bloody business. Wouldn’t you? I mean, the tittle-tattle in the gossip columns has been appalling! Why is it that when a Crown Prince announces his engagement, all sorts of ‘ex-girlfriends’ come out of the woodwork – like woodlice?”

  The countess fell silent. She was at a loss to know who all these ex-girlfriends were. Only one existed to anybody’s knowledge, and she and the prince clearly considered each other soulmates.

  “Doesn’t anybody know the meaning of decorum any more?” the queen pleaded, turning her streaming sea-colored eyes toward the tapestry. The sound of a crowd of boisterous commoners outside the palace burst through the silence.

  “What the devil is that racket all about?” the queen asked. “Is today some holiday I don’t know about?”

  “Not exactly, ma’am.” The countess shot an anxious glance at the lurid tapestry, looking for inspiration and finding none. “They’re waiting for the arrival of Her Highness Princess Dawna.”

  The softness that had covered the queen’s face while the tears trickled quickly disappeared.

  “I find it hard to believe that people can be so easily excited,” she said.

  Chapter 2

  The Reception

  Queen Letitia gazed at the other members of her family and wished she were back in bed. They were assembled in the state reception room and looked as restless as a pack of beagles. Her husband, she noted sourly, was fidgeting with his sword in an unkingly way and her two sons looked about ready to start fighting with each other like a pair of four-year-olds. Only her mother, the dowager Queen Gloriana, looked serenely unaffected by the occasion, and the queen put that down to senility. Turning to a lady-in-waiting, the queen whispered: “I only hope Her High and Mightiness is worth all this kerfuffle.”

  “Indeed, ma’am,” the lady replied, “She looked very nice on TV this morning.”

  The queen uttered a despairing snort at the woman’s idiocy and gave her family another disapproving look. King Godfrey was wearing the uniform of Admiral of the now-defunct Royal Mellorian Navy. To mark the Day of Shame when the navy’s last ship had been blown out of the water by the Slobodians while they were seizing the Mellorian coast and the prize resort of Shekels, Godfrey had vowed to wear naval attire on the firs
t Thursday of every month until the precious jewel of Shekels was restored, or until the uniform fell in tatters from his back – and Letitia feared the latter was visibly looming.

  Crown Prince Catheter and his younger brother Prince Anton were also in uniform, each adorned with the medals of various orders and knighthoods. Neither looked particularly worthy of his glittering array, and the effect was like that of a pair of animated mannequins who glared at each other testily. The superior decorations on Catheter’s cheat were goading Anton to occasionally rattle his brother’s ornamental sword, and war was about to break out.

  Queen Gloriana, her head sagging like an old bird at rest, wore long black widow’s weeds with a sequined border and her gnarled hand rested on Rupert, her page, a fresh-faced youth of seventeen. When her daughter’s gaze met hers, she lifted her straggly eyebrows and pointed a trembling finger at a nearby canapé-laden table.

  “Isn’t it time we had our lunch?” she said. “I’m gagging for some nosh!”

  “Oh do shut up, Mummy – we’ll be having a bloody banquet soon!”

  Queen Letitia had been jolted into a realization of how much time they had spent waiting and she barked at the others: “Get out on the balcony and wave, for God’s sake!”

  Prince Catheter wrestled his sword from Anton’s fingers and emitted a croaking whine.

  “We can’t expose ourselves to the people now, Mummy - she isn’t here yet!”

  “Oh hang Her Blessed Loveliness!” Letitia retorted. “The people are milling about down there and expecting a royal appearance, and here we are standing around like dummies!”

  “Stop diddling with your sword, Cathy,” Anton jeered. “Get out on that balcony and show ‘em your willy!”

  “Mummy, I don’t like being spoken to like that,” Catheter said. He watched as his brother darted up to the balcony and poked his head out. The crowd erupted with cheers and whistles.

  “That’s enough!” King Godfrey ordered. “When we go outside, we’ll all go together – with dignity.”

  He moved stiffly toward the balcony, wincing from time to time, and beckoned to the others.

  “Come along, I think it’s high time we showed our faces. Catheter, take your mother’s arm.”

  “Yeah, take your mummy’s arm, Cathy!” Anton taunted from beside the balcony drapes.

  “Mummy, he’s calling me Cathy again!” Catheter said, before being propelled by his father’s grip toward the balcony. He just had time to hook his arm under his mother’s.

  “Wait for me – I’m game for some fresh air!” Queen Gloriana wheezed, and she shuffled toward the balcony on her page’s arm.

  As the royal party emerged onto the balcony, the cheering from below increased, and then turned to laughter. Anton had ostentatiously lifted the back of Catheter’s tunic to reveal the tailored princely buttocks. A brief slapping contest ensued between the princes, bringing loud guffaws from the groundlings. Letitia looked appalled, and Godfrey reluctantly grabbed the two squabblers and hustled them back inside. Letitia followed, her face red with embarrassment, just as Queen Gloriana stepped slowly onto the balcony, leaning heavily on Rupert’s arm.

  “Godfrey, put him across your knee!” Letitia commanded, as he grappled to pry the two princes apart.

  “Put him across my knee? He’s twenty-seven!” Godfrey groaned. He released his grip while he caught his breath, and the two princes stood glowering at each other.

  “I don’t know why I’m getting all the blame,” Anton said. “I just wanted to show ‘em Cathy’s booty!”

  A servant with a tray of freshly-poured champagne approached and whispered conspiratorially to the king. A few moments later the state room doors were flung open by another flunkey and Princess Dawna entered, pink and flustered, wearing a blue silk ruffle dress. The queen recoiled, recognizing it at once as a cheeky dig at her own navy silk dress with its sober sleeves. She felt a dull rage rising inside her.

  “Well, here you are at last!” she exclaimed. “What was the cause of your delay – a blocked toilet?”

  The princess blushed a deep shade of rose. Her startling blue eyes looked from queen to king.

  “I’m awfully sorry, Your Majesties. We were held up by the incredible amount of traffic all the way from the airport.”

  “Well, I trust Your Highness is ready to join us now,” the king muttered, disconcerted by the princess’s delicate beauty.

  “Perhaps we can get on with the balcony scene at last,” the queen prompted. “And this time, Anton, I expect you to behave like a grown-up!”

  The princess looked down at her black lace-up boots in antique leather. She knew the protocol and waited in silence until Catheter approached her. He pulled an awkward smile and offered his arm. She returned the smile shyly, and the two betrothed royals walked through the open balcony drapes. Meanwhile Anton expelled a loud fart. His father glared at him while Letitia looked into the distance, studiously ignoring everybody. As they all stepped onto the balcony to roars from the crowd, Queen Gloriana’s plaintive voice assailed them.

  “Where the bloody hell have you lot been? I’m all alone with the lad out here!”

  Chapter 3

  The Servants’ Discussion

  Seated on upturned baskets in the palace laundry room, a small group of servants were gathered around Simpkins, the royal butler, who was reading from the Melloria City Bugle.

  ‘“Accompanied by her private secretary and a small personal entourage, the princess arrived at King Egbert Airport to be greeted by enormous crowds. Cheering masses lined the route to Calliper Palace, where the king and queen, her future parents-in-law, joined her fiancé, Prince Catheter, and other members of the royal family at a reception in her honor…dee-da-dee-da…It seemed as though Melloria had gone wild with excitement. A display of pageantry led by a corps of ladies of the royal household and the palace guard, costumed as Sabine maidens and their ravishers, received a rapturous applause from the huge throng in Constitution Square awaiting the appearance of the newly-betrothed couple…yatta-yatta-yatta…Towards 6 p.m. the day’s celebrations reached a climax when from the balcony of the east wing of Caliper Palace, the glittering figures of King Godfrey and Queen Letitia, Prince Catheter, Prince Anton and Queen Gloriana the Queen Grandmother, were glimpsed by the eagerly waiting crowd. Shortly afterwards, the crowd’s patience was rewarded when Princess Dawna appeared beside her future husband and his family, to huge roars of appreciation.

  “‘From where I stood watching this vast assembly, (writes our royal correspondent Arabella Somebody-or-Other), I saw boys and even elderly men climb trees, railings and lampposts to obtain a better view of their new princess, while ladies of all ages swooned and jostled each other in their eagerness to catch a glimpse of her pale, delicate face and shyly waving arm. I heard more than one lower her opera glasses, turn to her companion, and shout: “I saw her smile!”’

  “What a load of bollockwash!” Simpkins exclaimed. Setting the paper aside, he took a swig of cold tea from a mug by his side. He grimaced, belched and took another swig.

  “They’ll have to put in an apology for that misprint,” a maid called Sharon said.

  “What misprint?” a page asked.

  “They’ll have loads of people writing in!”

  “What fucking misprint?” he persisted.

  “Don’t you talk to me like that!” Sharon said. “Saying the Old Queen’s the queen’s grandmother – she’s her mother!”

  “Well, she’s such an ancient old cow – who can blame ‘em?” an underbutler added. After all, the queen’s fifty-seven.”

  “So what? It’s fertility treatment, innit?” Sharon mysteriously replied.

  For several minutes a balloon of silence carried the group along. Then Simpkins slowly rose to his feet.

  “We can’t sit here all day doing nothing, On your toes, you lot – we got work to do!” he announced.

  “You bet your buns we have,” Sharon said. “I got to see to Her Highness’s room
for tonight. She’ll want fresh flowers and all that.”

  “Well, if you see Berryman when you’re out in the garden, tell him I’m still waiting for them bags of blow I paid him for!” the underbutler, whose name was Hughes, remarked.

  “Ted, I don’t have no dealings with him! I usually go to his deputy, Heaney,” Sharon replied. “Berryman is always stoned out of his face.”

  “You can say that again,” Hughes said. “It takes him all bleeding day to plant a row of carrots.”

  The group dispersed to attend to their various duties, all heading for the door except Simpkins, who paused in front of a row of dryers and inspected the folds of his morning coat in a glass panel. He allowed the others to drift past until Sharon sauntered close to him. Then he turned his head slightly and whispered: “The conservatory. Four o’clock. How about it?”

  “I ain’t got no time for hanky panky today!” Sharon said, though turning to exit the room she added: “Make it half past.”

  “Done!” Simpkins said.

  Chapter 4

  A Nightmare Scenario

  Queen Letitia awoke from a racking nightmare. It had been her worst yet. Her head ached, she had trouble getting her breath and she was shivering. The silk damask bedspread, much rumpled by her nocturnal thrashings, had slipped off the bed and the Chinese silk pillowcases, which she loved, irritated her neck as she swiveled her head from side to side, trying to get comfortable.

  She had awakened with boundless relief at first, when she realized that what she had undergone was just a dream, but then the awful content of the nightmare hit her like a blow in the stomach. She dimly recalled being conveyed with Godfrey through the streets of an extremely grimy-looking Melloria City. Not only that, but the carriage they were in was shabby and creaking, its gold paint flaking, and instead of ermine and glittering jewels, she and Godfrey wore polyester and (in her case) clunky costume jewelry.

  Although she and her husband waved periodically and maintained their aloof demeanor, she was filled with unease. Things just weren’t right – Melloria was the world’s smallest absolute monarchy, but they weren’t that bloody poor! That simple fact should have alerted her that she was dreaming, but as usual she missed her chance.